Had I known as a dippy youth that the secret to getting tan is to try and avoid getting tan, oh what a tanning maven I could have been!

I tried every old folk tale and devoted countless hours to bronzing my skin. I never really got as tan as i had hoped.

And now...now I am slathered in SPF 207, I have sunglasses and giant hats and I'm in the sun for half an hour and boom. I've got tan lines galore. Maybe it's just the giant hole in the ozone.